I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
