I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
