just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
