please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
