Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
