I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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