well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
