Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
