my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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