I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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