we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I FOUND THE LEGS
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
