Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
