i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
