he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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