Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
