i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
So much Jack, so little girl.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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