i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
