my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
