Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
