I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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