so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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