Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I CAN MOONWALK!
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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