The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
