the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
