I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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