I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
