waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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