I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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