wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
