im six kinds of drunk right now
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
