So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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