He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
