New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
