hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm getting married
To pizza
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
