if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
