I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
