he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
