just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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