I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
