Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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