Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
