Jerry, you need to find god
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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