she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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