guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
