It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
