Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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