the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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