I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
