I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
