You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
